Category Archives: Humor

To all the kids who survived the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside, playing…that’s why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers problem solvers and inventors problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might w ant to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?

John the Baptist

Johnny’s mother looked out the window
and noticed Johnny ‘playing church’ with their cat.

Johnny had the cat sitting quietly
and he was preaching to it.

Johnny’s mother smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing
and ran back to the open window to see Johnny
baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out,

‘Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!’

Johnny looked up at her and said,

‘He should have thought about that before he joined my church.’

Federal Judge forbids poor Black mothers from naming their own children

baby

The following is being circulated as a legitimate news story. It is, in fact, SATIRE. Check out The Peoples News where it originated.

After Judge Cabrera’s historic ruling, little Clitoria Jackson will likely undergo a name change.

(DETROIT) In a decision that’s expected to send shockwaves through the African-American community-and yet, give much relief to teachers everywhere-a federal judge ruled today that black women no longer have independent naming rights for their children. Too many black children-and many adults-bear names that border on not even being words, he said. “I am simply tired of these ridiculous names black women are giving their children,” said U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera before rendering his decision. “Someone had to put a stop to it.” The rule applies to all black women, but Cabrera singled out impoverished mothers. “They are the worst perpetrators,” he said. “They put in apostrophes where none are needed. They think a ‘Q’ is a must. There was a time when Shaniqua and Tawanda were names you dreaded. Now, if you’re a black girl, you hope you get a name as sensible as one of those.” Few stepped forward to defend black women-and black women themselves seemed relieved. “It’s so hard to keep coming up with something unique,” said Uneeqqi Jenkins, 22, an African-American mother of seven who survives on public assistance. Her children are named Daryl, Q’Antity, Uhlleejsha, Cray-Ig, Fellisittee, Tay’Sh’awn and Day’Shawndra.

Beginning in one week, at least three white people must agree with the name before a black mother can name her child. “Hopefully we can see a lot more black children with sensible names like Jake and Connor,” Cabrera said. His ruling stemmed from a lawsuit brought by a 13-year-old girl whose mother created her name using Incan hieroglyphics. “She said it would make me stand out,” said the girl, whose name can’t be reproduced by The Peoples News’ technology. “But it’s really just stupid.” The National Association of Elementary School Teachers celebrated Cabrera’s decision. “Oh my God, the first day of school you’d be standing there sweating, looking at the list of names wondering ‘How do I pronounce Q’J’Q’Sha.’?” said Joyce Harmon, NAEST spokeswoman. “Is this even English?” The practice of giving black children outlandish names began in the 1960s, when blacks were getting in touch with their African roots, said historian Corlione Vest. But even he admits it got out of hand. “I have a niece who’s six. I’m embarrassed to say I can’t even pronounce her name,” said Vest, a professor at Princeton University.”Whenever I want to talk to her, I just wait until she looks at me and then I wave her over.” Cabrera’s ruling exempted black men because so few of them are actually involved in their children’s lives.

Kids in church

3-year-old Reese:

‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.

I’m having a real good time like I am.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

‘And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’

One bright little girl replied,

‘Because people are sleeping.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

‘Ryan, you be Jesus!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked.

‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

‘Did God throw him back down?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

‘Would you like to say the blessing?’

‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.

‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’

How do you know you are a teacher?

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr. _________” and know you have been spotted.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.

6. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times
of the day: lunch and prep period .

7. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can
use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the
classroom.

8. You believe the teachers’ lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

9. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 7
to 3 and have summers off.”

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.

11. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says
“Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their
behavior when you are out in public.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own
children.

17. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least
five items!

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a “good
choice or a bad choice.”

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way
after meeting his or her parents

How the fight started…

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out
of the car, and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT
HAPPY!”

So, I look down at him and say, “Well, which one are you then?”

And that’s when the fight started.

Lil’ Leroy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His
birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Leroy’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to
get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he
deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so
he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another
letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother
he wanted to go to church.

Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
“Just be home in time for dinner,” his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked
around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat
down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to
God.

LETTER 5:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Deep Sh*t!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some shit on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow shit, it began to realize how warm it was. The shit was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your
enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth
shut.